Respect my autho-rita(y)!

So here I am again, clocking in then my stress bubbles are brewing around my favorite holiday and irony or not, at the end of the year. P and I are moving this Halloween into a place we can call home and the wishy-washy expectations known as "respect" aren't throw around like MC-57 firing into a crowd of onlookers. Yes, my home life at the in-laws went from plain uncomfortable, but safe to verbally and emotionally abusive. The turn of events was an occurrence surrounding my-laws fears and financial woes. Because we happen to be living in close proximity, we are hit with the direct fire of blame, guilt, and miscommunication. Fear is a serious powerful thing if one lets it rule their lives and I have been watching it prosper in my in-laws. Oddly enough, we understand their situation, and we are not anger with anyone. I just refuse to be the dumping ground, ATM machine or gossip catcher for family. I just don't operate that way.
So I wanted to explore the meaning of "respect", since this loaded word seems to be thrown around alot lately. One of all the sites I've read this morning this one floats my boat and rings some truth home, http://www.eqi.org/respect.htm#What%20Respect%20Is. Check it out. I especially am interested in the relationship of fear & respect, this bit reflects my current situation with my in-laws. How can I explain why I don't want to live in fear anymore?

Today I want to give birth.....

Maybe its just the anticipation of the arrival of my niece or my partner's cousin who just found out she's pregnant with her second or watching the movie knocked-up last night. Today I want to start a family...It's crazy I know. I am still living with my in-laws, my partner is still trying to land a full-time job and plans on going back to school. Financially, we are in no position to try...Not to mention the fact that I vowed to get to Thailand and India BEFORE setting down. I have to admit....today, I am not sure if I am trusting the universe by noticing the baby theme around me or maybe I am just feeling the pressure from my family and society to give birth.

When I left Minnesota, I decided to let go of my beautiful home and the idea of setting down like my parents did. I let go of the idea I had to have children in order to be a family with my partner. I really wanted to see the world and love the kids around me because the best parents I had were the people/parental figures around me who inspired me, not the parents who give birth to me. Don't get me wrong I love my parents, I am grateful everyday for their hard work in raising me. I just believe that it take a village to raise a child and I try to be apart of that village for my nieces and nephews as I was for my students. In fact, one of the reasons we stayed in Minnesota so long was, my nephew J, looked up to P and I as his normal stable parents.

Do I have a village to help me? Like I help others....Not too sure. Maybe that's why I want to move to Madison so badly. A small bit of fear is there lurking that I can't have a child now because of this or that and I can't wait because I might wait too long. The "what if 's" creep in....Yet I know deep inside that when the time is right, I will know and rise to the challenge of birthing a physical child not just the idea children I have right now.

I am not sure how I truly feel overall, but I do know this.....today I give birth to ideas, and maybe there is never the right time to have a physical child, but I will use my will to create a situation in which supporting another human being into this world is possible. And if I trust fully the people who "Morrigan" needs, they will rise up to create a village for her, too.