The root of suckling attachment :Part One

The past few months I have been moonlighting as a babysitter for a neighbor and yoga student of mine. The child of nine months, Millie, is struggling through a painful teething period and has totally figured out that when I come over and began playing, reading stories, doing baby yoga, I am just a distraction, so mommy can slip out the door to an badly needed acupuncture appointment or into her home office to work. Her reaction is priceless, to cry and scream until.....when she realizes mom isn't home, she surrenders to nap on my chest as I walk around  the house or the neighborhood. The last episode Millie had, I was overcome with the realization of her attachment to her mom and wanting to suckle to comfort her unknown fears. So what do we suckle to comfort our fears? For a baby it is simple, a breast, or bottle becomes a tuk or a special blanket or toy as a child. And then what? A car, a house, a piece of jewelry, a family member...just notice what comes to mind. I am not asking you the give it up or give it away. Just imagine for a moment if that you suckle didn't exist any longer...it was taken by death, or theft...how would you choose to part with it....

Once upon a virgin

So I recently, started reconnecting with an old flame, my high school sweetheart, via email. A little catching up about the family, I did date the boy for almost three year, kind-of my best friend and all. It's nice to know after I broke his heart that he is happily married and expecting a child now.

Back in the day, I vowed to stay a virgin until I was married and unfortunately, I fell in love really hard. I stayed a virgin, Travis respected me and I respected him. Although, when one person hurts another they love all bets are off. I allowed my ideals rule my emotions and hold me back from losing my virginity to my first love as he tried to make out with me when he had a girlfriend. Do I regret that decision? No, I had sense.

This may explain the dream vision I had last night about Travis. I dreamt that I and him joined together energetically like psychic sex that we had as a young couple. Every full moon and other evening we would meet in a dream and be together, become one person explore our divine-ness of light. After we broke up, we psychically kept track of one another, watching from a distance. I wanted to ask him if he had "the dream" last night if he even remembered.

I haven't been to that plane of existence in awhile....reconnecting love.

Today I want to give birth.....

Maybe its just the anticipation of the arrival of my niece or my partner's cousin who just found out she's pregnant with her second or watching the movie knocked-up last night. Today I want to start a family...It's crazy I know. I am still living with my in-laws, my partner is still trying to land a full-time job and plans on going back to school. Financially, we are in no position to try...Not to mention the fact that I vowed to get to Thailand and India BEFORE setting down. I have to admit....today, I am not sure if I am trusting the universe by noticing the baby theme around me or maybe I am just feeling the pressure from my family and society to give birth.

When I left Minnesota, I decided to let go of my beautiful home and the idea of setting down like my parents did. I let go of the idea I had to have children in order to be a family with my partner. I really wanted to see the world and love the kids around me because the best parents I had were the people/parental figures around me who inspired me, not the parents who give birth to me. Don't get me wrong I love my parents, I am grateful everyday for their hard work in raising me. I just believe that it take a village to raise a child and I try to be apart of that village for my nieces and nephews as I was for my students. In fact, one of the reasons we stayed in Minnesota so long was, my nephew J, looked up to P and I as his normal stable parents.

Do I have a village to help me? Like I help others....Not too sure. Maybe that's why I want to move to Madison so badly. A small bit of fear is there lurking that I can't have a child now because of this or that and I can't wait because I might wait too long. The "what if 's" creep in....Yet I know deep inside that when the time is right, I will know and rise to the challenge of birthing a physical child not just the idea children I have right now.

I am not sure how I truly feel overall, but I do know this.....today I give birth to ideas, and maybe there is never the right time to have a physical child, but I will use my will to create a situation in which supporting another human being into this world is possible. And if I trust fully the people who "Morrigan" needs, they will rise up to create a village for her, too.