the little bellydancer that could....

Sad to say my grandfather passed away last week and I have been working through my grief here in California. Gearing up for an epic performance with the RedC girls for Taste of SLO. Timing of the past weeks events has tested my emotional stamina to the point that I realize my true strength.

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The Why?

I happened to received the dvds The Flowering of Human Consciousness Part I and II, a live lecture of Eckhart Tolle discussing attachment to the ego, labeling, etc. ,  this past week via netflix. These dvds have been sitting on my netflix cue for months, so I was a bit surprised at their timely arrival during my yoga training. Moon, the director of the advanced  500 hr.yoga training, was extremely excited about watching the lecture. Yesterday, Moon, Lisa Jo and I watched in awe digesting the intense information he shared and discussed parts together reflecting on the key points that struck us deeply. One idea that most intrigued us was, allowing yourself to not identify with your name, essentially forgetting who you think you are or want to be...unattaching from the basket of the content of your mind. Not defining your existence based on how you make a living, your hobbies, your children/family, your goals, your knowledge,etc.

Out of our discussion, I related Eckhart's questioning to a childs developmental stages.....Think back for a moment to when you were four or five years old. Do you remember asking they "Why?" for just about everything? This is the moment you started or your children/grandchildren started living from their mind/ego or the little self...we became unconscious, living for the furture..... And living in the moment, surrendering to divine is lost and the suffering begins....really, we don't need to know the answer to the "Why?"(eg like why did this happen to me? Why did this person have to die?etc) because despite the answers or frustration our parents had....there's no answer but to live in the present moment, in your state of consciousness.

The root of suckling attachment :Part One

The past few months I have been moonlighting as a babysitter for a neighbor and yoga student of mine. The child of nine months, Millie, is struggling through a painful teething period and has totally figured out that when I come over and began playing, reading stories, doing baby yoga, I am just a distraction, so mommy can slip out the door to an badly needed acupuncture appointment or into her home office to work. Her reaction is priceless, to cry and scream until.....when she realizes mom isn't home, she surrenders to nap on my chest as I walk around  the house or the neighborhood. The last episode Millie had, I was overcome with the realization of her attachment to her mom and wanting to suckle to comfort her unknown fears. So what do we suckle to comfort our fears? For a baby it is simple, a breast, or bottle becomes a tuk or a special blanket or toy as a child. And then what? A car, a house, a piece of jewelry, a family member...just notice what comes to mind. I am not asking you the give it up or give it away. Just imagine for a moment if that you suckle didn't exist any longer...it was taken by death, or theft...how would you choose to part with it....

The sycamore morning

 ****this is an draft post that was a bit uplifting to read this morning, I no longer live in this apartment but instead closer to the beach surrounded by the wild cats that eat the gophers that invade my organic garden...

Yesterday the bed frame went up, the cats roamed the box riddled apartment climbing to their heart content and we watched a movie on my laptop on our bed. I am so grateful for my bed and I know P is too. It's amazing how our own bed feels the best. I think the cats missed it, too. They were sleeping in it when we left this morning to drop P off to get picked up for work by a kind co-worker.

Our home has this beautiful sycamore tree growing up and over the loft porch. The leaves greeting my car each morning with stark yellow leaves. I wonder what magick properties this tree holds, but I have had a feeling of hope ever since I walked into this place. We never saw this place during the day before we decided to rent it. Why? I just knew, so did P. We were mean to live here in the valley full of goats, foxes, deer, horses, coyotes and the legendary mountain lion. The nature springs, brooks, the organic farm down the street, this is my heaven calling to me. The rain last night washed away the dust and cleansed my soul, not to mention my car. And the sycamore came to mind again, "symbolizes development, perseverance and vitality. They are often able to grow where no other tree can" , according to Morgan Lefay. Maybe I am a sycamore tree, a survivor, a pioneer.

The silence is broken: An Update

I'm back to chat/blog my way through my existence. Regrouping for the next two months of the second module of  500 hr. advanced yoga teacher training. I have some homework to turn in. A brief paper on the Gita, well, not the whole thing! More like a study guide or outline questions and insights. The advanced pranayama (breathwork) hasn't quite become ritual, yet almost daily...I have had a few missed days...I am scheduled to receive a personal mantra for meditation and plan to use this mantra while I knit one item just to test a little theory of mine...can you guess what a knitted garment would feel like if its intention and hours of creation were devoted to a single  mantra of peace, love, abundance, ect.(not to mention the benefits of the practice the knitter would receive in the process) Imagine it...I been dreaming about it......
One way to blend my practices together...:>

So my next project on raverly....om knit.

the witch bottle

The ride of spiritual life seems to be coming around full circle...I find myself reconnecting with my pagan spiritual roots and devising a witch's bottle to deflect the negative thoughts, feelings, evil eye and so on from my life. Maybe I am superstitious....or maybe the symbolism of my intentions is just what my visual learning brain needs. Either way, I am drawn to this folk tradition that I prescribed to over a decade ago...warding away bad "stuff" from my dorm room closet.
There are many recipes and scientific evidence what to put inside these bottles, yet I prefer to go with my intuition or my magick....mensuration blood, herbs from my garden, soil from MN, pins, needles, nails, a bit of hair...seal it with some wax. Maybe even a piece of bread...gluten tolerence joke...

Yes, I have been recently tested for gluten intolerence and I am now a gluten-free girl (Well, so is my partner, too) More gluten adventures..later

Home sweet home

Living in Huasna has been a wonderful fanstasy of wildlife, a meditative energitic nexeus for us to live within. P and I are moving closer to town to the peaceful reservation of Halcyon. A yogi is renting her cottage to us. Even though it is small, the place is a mighty life saver on our wallet not to mention our collective carbon footprint. We will be selling one of our cars to buy bikes and a bike rack for a major source of transportation. Our landlady is even open to us having a garden....we are very excited for the work ahead of is great, but we will survive. Pat is going to college at Cuesta this summer and I am starting a Yoga Tree Kids: Yoga & Arts Camp this summer, too. Lots of new adventures have found their way into our lives. Stay tuned...

Happy Witchy New Year!

Today is the first day of my independent life in California with my patchwork family of friends and co-workers. I am content with the boxes that surround me in my loft apartment just because it is my bit of country. I saw a fox this morning playing with some squirrels in and among my landowners goats. Wild turkeys welcomed me into town as I followed P in the moving truck. I am reconnecting to my mother, mother earth and my brothers and sisters. Witnessing the sun rise within the foggy clouds spotted with blue sky filled me with a sense of peace I have never known.

Respect my autho-rita(y)!

So here I am again, clocking in then my stress bubbles are brewing around my favorite holiday and irony or not, at the end of the year. P and I are moving this Halloween into a place we can call home and the wishy-washy expectations known as "respect" aren't throw around like MC-57 firing into a crowd of onlookers. Yes, my home life at the in-laws went from plain uncomfortable, but safe to verbally and emotionally abusive. The turn of events was an occurrence surrounding my-laws fears and financial woes. Because we happen to be living in close proximity, we are hit with the direct fire of blame, guilt, and miscommunication. Fear is a serious powerful thing if one lets it rule their lives and I have been watching it prosper in my in-laws. Oddly enough, we understand their situation, and we are not anger with anyone. I just refuse to be the dumping ground, ATM machine or gossip catcher for family. I just don't operate that way.
So I wanted to explore the meaning of "respect", since this loaded word seems to be thrown around alot lately. One of all the sites I've read this morning this one floats my boat and rings some truth home, http://www.eqi.org/respect.htm#What%20Respect%20Is. Check it out. I especially am interested in the relationship of fear & respect, this bit reflects my current situation with my in-laws. How can I explain why I don't want to live in fear anymore?

Once upon a virgin

So I recently, started reconnecting with an old flame, my high school sweetheart, via email. A little catching up about the family, I did date the boy for almost three year, kind-of my best friend and all. It's nice to know after I broke his heart that he is happily married and expecting a child now.

Back in the day, I vowed to stay a virgin until I was married and unfortunately, I fell in love really hard. I stayed a virgin, Travis respected me and I respected him. Although, when one person hurts another they love all bets are off. I allowed my ideals rule my emotions and hold me back from losing my virginity to my first love as he tried to make out with me when he had a girlfriend. Do I regret that decision? No, I had sense.

This may explain the dream vision I had last night about Travis. I dreamt that I and him joined together energetically like psychic sex that we had as a young couple. Every full moon and other evening we would meet in a dream and be together, become one person explore our divine-ness of light. After we broke up, we psychically kept track of one another, watching from a distance. I wanted to ask him if he had "the dream" last night if he even remembered.

I haven't been to that plane of existence in awhile....reconnecting love.

Today I want to give birth.....

Maybe its just the anticipation of the arrival of my niece or my partner's cousin who just found out she's pregnant with her second or watching the movie knocked-up last night. Today I want to start a family...It's crazy I know. I am still living with my in-laws, my partner is still trying to land a full-time job and plans on going back to school. Financially, we are in no position to try...Not to mention the fact that I vowed to get to Thailand and India BEFORE setting down. I have to admit....today, I am not sure if I am trusting the universe by noticing the baby theme around me or maybe I am just feeling the pressure from my family and society to give birth.

When I left Minnesota, I decided to let go of my beautiful home and the idea of setting down like my parents did. I let go of the idea I had to have children in order to be a family with my partner. I really wanted to see the world and love the kids around me because the best parents I had were the people/parental figures around me who inspired me, not the parents who give birth to me. Don't get me wrong I love my parents, I am grateful everyday for their hard work in raising me. I just believe that it take a village to raise a child and I try to be apart of that village for my nieces and nephews as I was for my students. In fact, one of the reasons we stayed in Minnesota so long was, my nephew J, looked up to P and I as his normal stable parents.

Do I have a village to help me? Like I help others....Not too sure. Maybe that's why I want to move to Madison so badly. A small bit of fear is there lurking that I can't have a child now because of this or that and I can't wait because I might wait too long. The "what if 's" creep in....Yet I know deep inside that when the time is right, I will know and rise to the challenge of birthing a physical child not just the idea children I have right now.

I am not sure how I truly feel overall, but I do know this.....today I give birth to ideas, and maybe there is never the right time to have a physical child, but I will use my will to create a situation in which supporting another human being into this world is possible. And if I trust fully the people who "Morrigan" needs, they will rise up to create a village for her, too.

Summer deconstruction

The business of summer is in full swing, vistors flow in and out of my yoga classes while my regulars become less regulary attending my classes go on trips or simply enjoying the sunny weather. The ebb and flow of students as well as ones yoga practice are dufitully linked. Where once the choas of summer overwhelmed me with choices of things to do, to see, to spend my money on...now I wade through this summer storm until the reflection of winter. I remind myself to pace my adventures, to have patience through the rush of the harvest time and to enjoy every moment.

Including the moment when my law-in, my roomates, decided to remodel. The project started as a kitchen cabinet refininshing and become a full-blown kitchen remodel. Each day this project grows with ideas and dismantling of more spaces hallway corners, rewiring in the attic, plumbering,etc. Making a large four bedroom house seem like living in a fishbowl. I am extremely grateful for a room with a bed to sleep in and house my two cats.

Ok, so my silence has been here, but louder than ever in my life. My partner is with me in Cali without a job still....I am trying to be relaxed about the whole situation, but my patience is really being tested. Who knew this town was so small that without local connections one can land an review or a job. I am trying to whipped up spells to help the energies along with the house to sale, P to get a job, and an affordable apartment/house in the area. I feel like my energy is spread thin, but I am trying some candle magic along with the divination I have been using.

Meanwhile, I am totally hankering to dance at a powwow and work on my tradecloth outfit as well as beadwork. Unfortualy, the beadwork will have to wait until the storage unit can be looked through...there are only a few powwows in the area each year. I am planning on dancing at the Chumash Powwow in early October. Maybe the only northern tradish dancer there!

Everything is holy now

As I listen to the kritan music flowing into my heart, I am tuning into my true self. Lately, I have been teaching some new classes, family yoga and mom & tot yoga. My silent meditations has been speaking to my love, my motherhood of teacherhood as with yoga especially working with families, empowering mothers pre-motherhood into blessful parenting...the idea of witnessing each person reconnect with a parent, child, lover, sibling or unborn spirit...it is truly beautiful. I feel I am to focus on my family yoga classes, my prenatal classes, and all ages in between....so I can help people reconnect to themselves and the ones they love, the community family.....hmmm, love. I need to come back to the bakati (heart center/love) yoga practice and chanting more hence the new downloads of kritan music:>

May the mothers of the world be blessed, be loved each and everyday. May unconditional love flow freely like the rivers flowing together to the ocean. May you feel the connectiveness, the divine joy as a child of mother earth. This is my gift to you with all my gratutide, namaste.

The pulling moon, the tides and my flow.

Yes. I am talking about my menstrual cycle. After the numerous, dreams about the human consciousness awakening...I are noticed that my cycle is changing. I always called it " I'm in the fullest of my moon" and now my lunar cycle is matching the lunar cycle of my grandmother moon. As the earth is changing, I am changing with her, with the tides, with grandmother moon and grandfather sun. Its changing...the herbs I once took to ease my flow are not as helpful...the imbalance I feel in my body. I wonder if I am detoxing Mother Earth, too as well as my own body. I am seeing more visions now then ever before....just flowing into my life, a spring tide.

Blessed I am...

Today I woke up with the need to reconnect with those friends and colleagues who have been wondering where I am and how the move has been. In the midst of reconnecting, I realized my gratitude toward each and everyone of these people. All of whom support me and my blossoming service to others in the wellness industry.

• Jade, the faithful founder of RCG-I
• Rebecca, my shadow from MN who is following her own path in AZ
• Sally Jo, my new cella advisor
• Ger, the art teacher who can't stop having kids (on number 5!)
• Grace, the Birdwing staffer who is following in my Thai massage foot steps
• Linda, the Birdwing Spa "mom"
• RG , the mother I never forgot
• Renee, my country penpal in MN from the tea gang
• Heather, my adopted English Grandmother who taught me the real meaning of karma yoga
• the whole tea gang....I am sipping tea in your honor its Friday!

Today my new office friend donated to me two bags full to louging clothes, I am so blessed!

Intensive or not?

Well, is weekend did more empowering of my WTI (Women's Theology Institute)circle community than I would have imagine as the events of the weekend unfolded. So I took a flight to Seattle last Thursday with a brief stop in Salt Lake City, and I met Ade from my WTI circle. I spend my first night at her beautiful witchy house, full of Frida art, and a sea of Mother Mary.
A snow storm kept Jade in Madison over the weekend and my WTI sisters without a cosmology intensive. Of course, the gals were totally dissappointed and I was too for a few minutes. Then I just figured we could use the weekend as a Cella weekend instead. Why not? As the weekend went on without a second thought as to the strength and flexiablity within the group to adapt to the present gifts we were given. I felt the women really connect with each other and discover their creativity and personal power to let go and move on. I really got a clear picture of the groups relationship with the motherhouse and SJ.

Surrendering to your higher power

One of my good friends came back to her car only to find it broken into....at our soccer game. Living without attachments within the eight limbs have been personal struggle for me. Watching my friend detach from her cds, massage oils and her laptop, was hard for me to hear. I've been there....when my last car died in Utah and my Saturn wouldn't start a block away from my house. Car have an odd attachment with me, so does jewelry when I misplace something or it finds a new home with someone else. Attachments can cause so much suffering if we buy into the illusion. I buy into it less and less each time something or someone goes in or out of my life. That doesn't mean that the person or object wasn't meaningful in the moment, but the moment is gone to the next chapter if you will.
What or who are you attached to? Make a list. What would you do if they or those objects or feelings died or were taken from you? Do you trust that your are provided all you need within? That the higher power provides you with the strength within to overcome any obstacles.....

Booked to head to Washington the state...

After the train totally sold out, I found a plane ticket just my price..Yah! So I am going to the cosmology intensive that Jade is teaching. I spoke with K and Ade from my circle about rides and shelter. Ade will put me up one night and then we'll pick up Jade on Friday. I will be staying with K in Bellingham and flying out of Seattle on Monday.I feel I will be in good hands over the weekend. Hopefully, I will be able to get a plane ticket in June, too, for the cella circle weekend on Environment, I think. I have much to do before than...., but I ready should be focused on packing for this weeks adventure.

Erin at Tullius will be pleased I can work Wed. and Mon. nights for the speciality yoga classes:prenatal and gentle adaptive.

Anyways, I trying to figure out how to fit my yoga mat in my luggage for my checked bag. Hmmm....I will need my morning ashtanga.

the viruses are coming.....

I have never in my experience as a web designer heard of viruses on a website moving for one to another via a simple link on a page. Have you? I am serious. I want to know the truth here. When I was denied a link from my bio on Yoga Village to my own business website, Indigo Moon Yoga, I was shocked due to the reason-possible computer virus. I don't know if I believe it, but C sure does. After chatting with two website security consultants they clear up the issue that was rattleing in my head.
Could my website be infected? how? why?
Well, the truth is yes. The latest fad in computer hacking world is finding the weakest websites via the search engine google and putting a virus of the seemingly protected website, so hackers can get your personal info and sell it to crinmals, who will bleed your bank account or send spam emails, for example. Nowadays, computers exactly do the dirty work and of course a computer program to search out weak sites doesn't care if your website gets two web hits a week or two million. The computer hacking will serve you a virus just the same. So caution....the viruses are googling...